Baths, Weed, & Elven Princes
by Jiffer
Summary: A spoof on the Fellowships' stay in Lothlorien. Involves hobbit weed, a bathhouse, and a half-naked elf named Legolas. READ & REVIEW.


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Baths, Weed, & Elven Princes

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By, Daydreamer

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings Trilogy or Movie.

A/N: This is my very first attempt at Lord of the Rings humor, so please forgive me if I absolutely fail. ^_^;; I tried. Honest. Oh, and please no Legolas fans take offense. I meant no disrespect towards you or your wonderful, blond elf-kun Legolas.

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It was just past noon when Frodo decided to look in on the Fellowship who were all sitting around a brightly going camp fire in the golden forest of Lothlorien talking amongst themselves while smoking their wonderful, Shire-grown weed that Merry and Pippin had so graciously brought. Great clouds of thick smoke hung above their heads as they sat with their eyes slightly glazed, staring at the flickering flames of the fire in front of them while taking large puffs from the long, wooden pipes they held in their hands. 

The Fellowship had been in Lothlorien for a while now. Though how long, they were not sure. There really was no way for them to know, and to be perfectly honest, they didn't care if they could or couldn't. For they were very content in the great, mysterious woods, feasting on Elven foods and drink, enjoying being near the glorious beauty of Galadriel, and basking in the great golden light of the forest trees.

The smile Frodo was wearing on his face as he approached dropped when he came closer. He stopped in his tracks, noticing the thick cloud out smoke that hung around their heads. He paled and quickly resolved not to come too close to them after all since the smoke always managed to hurt his head. He was one of the very few hobbits in the Shire who had never much cared for pipe-weed. He wasn't alone in the group for this completely, however, for Legolas agreed with him also, which was probably the reason he wasn't with the group too, or that's at least what Frodo guessed when he noticed the blond elf was absent. 

Actually, the reason Frodo had come to see the others was for the sole purpose of talking to Legolas. But seeing his friends in such a state of "not-all-there-at-the-moment-ness" he hesitated and stopped by one of the bushes near them to listen for a moment to their conversation, safe from the stifling smoke....

Aragorn gave a contented sigh and lowered his pipe. He turned his head towards one of his hobbit friends, Pippin, who was seated next to him, and asked with a somewhat slurred voice, "Hey, Pip, I have an impor'ant question for you."

"Yeah?" Pippin asked, raising his head slowly towards Aragorn with a funny smile on his face.

"I... Errr… Uhh...." Aragorn blinked blankly for a moment. "Damn.... I forgot.... Oh, wait... Oh yeah! Question: If hobbits have such big feet does that mean...." he paused; "well.... You know...." 

Merry, who was taking a big puff from his pipe, suddenly had a coughing fit and nearly fell over on the log he was sitting on. He glowered up at Aragorn in shock.

Pippin, on the other hand, lowered his pipe and looked thoughtful (Or at least as thoughtful as a hobbit smoking weed can). "Not sure 'ow to answer that, really," he stated. "Compared sho' men, I wouldn't know. Never met one 'cept Gandalf before the Fellowship, and haven't seen anything to make a compar'son to sho'--"

"Master Frodo has big feet and it's certainly true for him," Sam stated with a sure nod.

All the Fellowship sitting around the fire caste a weird look at Sam. 

Sam looked back at them confused until it suddenly dawned on him that he was speaking out-loud again. He reddened. _'That's it, no more weed for me,'_ he thought to himself, laying his pipe aside. 

"Hey, where's that elf, Legolas, gone to?" Gimli asked curiously with his pipe hanging at the curve of his mouth, in between his teeth. He blew out a large cloud of smoke that hovered momentarily around the fire before disappearing.

"Down to one of the baths to wash his hair," Boromir answered, though he was barely audible. It was the first time he had said anything in a long while. It had become a habit of his not to usually talk when engaged in a good smoke, but he had broke it none the less which, frankly, surprised everyone. 

**_Clank!_**

Aragorn's pipe suddenly fell onto one of the stones by the fire. The hobbits, drawf, and Boromir looked over at him curiously, taken back by the great look of horror in the not-yet-king-of-Gondor-but-plans-to-be-some-day's eyes. "W-What was that you just said, Boromir?" Aragorn asked loudly, obviously hoping the weed had affected his hearing wrong.

Boromir stared at Aragorn funny then shrugged lazily and said: "You heard me, Aragorn. There's no need to repeat myself."

**_"Oh God!"_** Aragorn leaped to his feet right in front of the bush Frodo was at. 

Taken back by his sudden movement and already startled by what Boromir had said, Frodo gave a yell and lost his balance as the branch he was leaning on broke with a snap. He came crashing down loudly through the bushes towards the fire, startling the group out of their slowed wits. 

The ring hanging brightly at his chest glittered yellow in the fire for a moment causing Boromir's eyes to light up queerly, being drawn to its power as Frodo fell down practically on top of Merry. 

Merry let out a yelp and scrambled to get away from him. He failed unfortunately, and Frodo landed on his head.

Frodo tried to get himself untangled from his friend but wasn't succeeding too well mainly due to the fact that his mind was preoccupied by something else...

"Di-Did I just head you say that Legolas is taking a bath?" he asked quickly to Boromir. 

"Um... Yeah," said Boromir, not quite understanding what all the fuss was about. "That is what _normal_ folk do, you know."

"Except maybe Aragorn," Pippin muttered under his breath, eyeing Aragorn's rather greasy, unwashed hair and unshaven face. 

Aragorn, being the sharp-eared Ranger he was, hear him and shot him a dirty look. "There's a reason I don't wash my hair often, Pippin," he snapped, his hand resting on his sword. "And it's a very good reason too. Maybe if you hurry and follow me you will see why!"

Pippin wondered at Aragorn, confused as to what he meant, but Frodo seemed to understand and rushed to his side, his hand also on his sword. 

"Quickly Strider, what's the fastest way to the baths?" he asked.

"Along here. Follow me!" said Aragorn, grabbing Frodo's shoulder and ushering him towards a pathway beside them. He looked over his shoulder and called: "Gimli, Boromir, I'll be needing you. Come!" 

Gimli and Boromir obeyed, but only because their curiosity wouldn't permit them to refuse, and Pippin, Sam, and Merry followed as well. 

They ran after Frodo and Aragorn, dropping their pipes and grabbing their weapons. They slung them over their shoulders and around their belts, though having no idea what they would be needing them for and followed Frodo and Aragorn into the forest. 

They soon came towards a large pool by the castle of Lothlorien that served as the bath facility for the elves. It was separated into two sections, one serving as the male's side and the other serving as the female's side. The sides were divided by high, white, marble walls decorated by entr'acte elven carvings of tree leaves and woodland creatures. However, these barriers seemed pointless at the time because as soon as the group approached, there was a chorus of high pitched screams and a young elf prince came racing out of the male section of the baths with a towel draped around his waist and a terrified look on his face. His half-damp blond hair was flying around his face as he ran past the group, nearly trampling Pippin and Sam in his haste. 

"I-Is th-that **_Legolas_**?" Sam asked in disbelief as he spun around and looked back at the terrified elf.

There come another chorus of high-pitched screams that would challenge that of the Wraiths', and suddenly dozens of women came running out of the bathhouse after Legolas. Every single one of which were wearing Lord of the Rings t-shirts, ear rings, tattoos, sneakers, and other commodities that were all sporting very handsome looking pictures of Legolas. Every one of the girls (And two guys with long blond wigs on) was crying rather hysterically with their hands outstretched towards Legolas, running after him. 

The Fellowship dodged out of the way quickly from the group before they were trampled under foot.

Legolas let out a scared scream as one of the girl raced behind him and managed to grab the back of his towel, which was the only thing covering him at the moment. He wrenched it away barely in time (Much to the disappointment of the mob) and took a running leap up one of the nearest trees. Clinging to it's highest branch desperately, he tried to keep himself covered and watched the group below him, screaming for someone to help him. 

Aragorn gave a great, aggravated sigh and swung sharply around causing Frodo to ram into him. He turned around and ran after the Legolas-hungry group. 

"It happens ever single time he washes his hair!" he said angrily while Frodo hurried to catch up with him. "Ever since that damned movie! I'm beginning to not be able to take him anywhere anymore! Come on Frodo, we've got to go beat them off again."

"And here I thought we'd seen the last of them in Rivendell!" Frodo stated, remembering the incident in the bathroom of Elrond's.

Aragorn groaned. "Please, Frodo, I'm trying with all my being to forget that moment!"

  
**The End...**  


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